Lingering Thoughts

I thought of one resolution while feeding C. yesterday. My best ideas tend to come when I’m feeding her, not really sure why, but I’m going to run with it!

It occurred to me in that time, that I don’t tend to live in the moment enough. Anyone else have that problem? As I was looking at her, eyes fluttering some sweet baby dream, I realized I’m almost always thinking about something I did or said in the past. What I would have said to that person who did x and it annoyed the hell out of me. I’m thinking about our future, and what is coming up in our lives that will change this equilibrium once more, such as how J. has an evaluation with the school district coming up. He’s turning three so he will be evaluated to determine if he will need special education. My thoughts have been there frequently these past few weeks, and I can’t seem to shake it just yet.

He won’t need that, will he? He seems so bright, granted I am bias, but even the therapists think so, or maybe they are just being nice. Many people have commented on his “brightness” so I keep telling myself. Then I remember I need to not worry about this right now. I have amazing children right in front of me, and despite what ever comes down the road, they are here now, and happy. Playing or laughing, crying or running.

J. lets me into his 2 year old world, by pretend sleeping on the sofa. We throw a beautifully colorful blanket over our heads and “sleep” then counting to 3 (usually yelling) we throw it off. As I laid there with him under the blanket I watched fuchsia, pink, yellow and green fly by and saw J.’s utterly infectious smile sweep across his face. Those are the moments I need to focus more on, and be more present in. Thankfully I was present and focused then, I doubt I’ll forget this moment for a long time to come. It was perfect.

It’s one of my new year’s resolutions that I was so uncertain about just a couple days ago. I resolve to be more in the moment, and less worried about what could have been or will be. I don’t want to miss these perfect moments by worrying to clean up dishes or what new curve ball is headed our way. Sure, there is a time and place for cleaning and pondering life’s many changes, I just need to put them back in their place. I mean, C. is already 5 months old, and time keeps flying.

I just want to soak it all in a bit longer, let things linger.

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