I confess, I’m in love. I’m in love with this life I have been so blessed to have and work so hard for these past few years. Even as C., just a few months old, is screaming in the background in her daddy’s arms (God bless him!) I still feel so thankful for this life, albeit hectic at times, but thankful.
This love I feel is also fleeting, especially in a stress filled moment, and I find myself reaching for this love more often than obtaining it, but I know just trying to get at it is sometimes what makes all the difference. If I try to love this life more, than I will love it more. It’s not settling for what I have, it’s challenging myself to grow beyond myself and incorporate into my life what God has planned for me and my family. By reaching for this love of my life, my family, children and all the work that goes into them, I feel more content with the heartache that is attached, and I more deeply sense the joy that is ever present.
I’ll admit, there are days I am exhausted and the love is not there. Loving my son is no problem, but loving his mild Cerebral Palsy isn’t something that comes easily. There are days when J. isn’t as well-balanced because he’s more tired, or sick, or getting taller and is falling down the every two steps that he takes, screaming, because he has yet again bumped or bruised another part of his body. Days when getting out of the house is just that much harder because going out means my petite frame will need to handle little C.’s weight and possibly my two year old J.’s as well if walking gets to be too much for him. Days of deciding if it’s possible to go to the playground and have a conversation with the moms there, or if I’ll spend the entire time preventing my off-balanced child from falling off the steps as he tries for the 8th time to climb up a step that is just a tad bit too tall for his rigid legs.
Or figuring out if he can take a bath that day because the cuts under his toes from toe-walking are just too deep that day and are bleeding everywhere.
Or if he can…
My heart is exhausted…the love is not there.
I have no doubt parenting a typically developing child has equally exhaustive issues and concerns, but these are mine. They are not as serious as others, or as mild as some, but here I can elaborate, I can delve more deeply than most acquaintances want to hear or even friends. I can take what my aching heart needs to say and put it out to the world and find solace, at least a bit. I’m in love and I confess it proudly. I’m in love with a family that is exceeding my every expectation, and a God who has continuously challenged me to love this condition my little boy was born with, to see the silver lining and the successes. This tired heart is reaching and sometime succeeding. I hope you can succeed with me.